Right Brained Gal

Peeling the Onion - Not a Cooking Post

I love the analogy of thinking of yourself as an onion, and peeling layer upon layer away to get to the center - the real essence of who you are.  Our self protection instinct has grown these layers to buffer us from the outside world. For most of us, our psyche has been a private sanctuary, so well guarded that we barely allow ourselves a peek inside, let alone anyone else. Peeling the onion means discovering things about you, being honest with yourself and going deeper. The deeper you go, the closer you get to the key of your existence. 

As I peel the onion of my Self, I try to reach greater self-awareness, self-acceptance. and personal effectiveness. First I have to discard the fear layer, the one that holds me back and makes me want to isolate and tell myself that I don't have the courage to do what I want and need to do. The one that allows my fear to become greater than my faith. 

Next is the insecurities layer that is full of tapes playing in my head, telling me that I am not as good as the rest of you, the main authors being my ex-husband and my ego.

Then the layer of hurt, aka the victim layer, afflicted by people who have let me down, taken advantage of me, and have not met my expectations. Being the victim is painful and causes me to be at the effect of someone else rather than a cause in my own life. I hate the victim mentality, but it is the one that I seem to embrace.

The layer of false security is the one that makes me look good on the outside when I am crying for help on the inside. The one that permits me come across as capable of helping everyone solve their problems, because I have so many answers that I pull from the big self-help book that is my brain. I would rather help you than ever ask for help for myself. 

The resentment layer is a crippling one, because I find it difficult to forgive and the person I should forgive first, is myself. It causes anger, hatred, and obsession which is a waste of mental energy. The key to this is to identify and admit the part I have played in whatever has taken me down. Not an easy thing for me to accept.

For me, peeling the onion is a learning process. A lesson in vulnerability. A search for underlying causes.  A discovery process. It involves gently peeling layers of data, layers of interpretation, layers of emotion, layers of meaning. Asking "Why?" and "What do you mean?" and "What else?" persistently. I search for what is holding me back, why I have such a hard time accepting myself and why I am living so small.

It is peeling the layers of the past and realizing that you can never have a different past, you can only learn from it. I have to stop regretting the mistakes I made and never make the same ones again.  Maybe someday I will understand the complexity of the person that lives inside my skin.

The Great Mysteries of My Life

1.  Now that the price of gas is approaching $4.00 a gallon, I wonder If Exxon Mobil, the world's biggest oil company, will top it's $8 billion earnings in the first three months of the last year.  Can you say taxing windfall profits, the next time you pull up to the pump?

2. I just paid $65.00 for ink cartridges for my color printer.  I only paid $75.00 for the printer after rebates. I really can't figure out why it is cheaper to manufacturer a printer than it is to fill some plastic containers with a small amount of ink. I think this is one of the biggest con jobs in the history of man.

3. Why does watching American Idol feel like I'm sitting at a Karaoke Bar this season?  Maybe the fact that they keep saying "it sounds like Karaoke" to every other person who performs, has something to do with it.

4.  Why haven't people started coming down with thumb carpool tunnel, since 50% of the population spends a major part of the day text messaging.  I swear that is the only exercise some people get. They are either going to have buff or crippled thumbs.

5.  Why are they NOW teaching Starbucks employees to make coffee?  I drove by two Starbucks tonight, which means I drove two miles, and I saw about 30 people in a classroom setting, learning how to make coffee.  They were closed for three hours nationwide, so that was an expensive lesson.

6.  How could I possibly have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) when I live in Southern California and the sun shines every day?

7.  Why do we have to spend 15 minutes of the local newscast watching a police car chase. It is boring, it's never a celebrity, and it has really gotten old since OJ.   

Thought for the Day

"We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are."

   Don Miguel Ruiz

And The Winner Is...

Last night I wasted four hours watching the Academy Awards, or as it is know is Los Angles, the most important night of the year.  It is so ridiculously over-hyped that I bet most people don't even remember who won last year, or even care. For most of us, it is an excuse to have a party on a Sunday, since it's been like six weeks since our last national party, the Super Bowl. Luckily, I watched it with friends, on a HDTV, indulging in food and drinks that had zero nutritional value. 

There was something missing this year and the mood seemed as dark as most of the movies. The gowns were safe, and the movie stars mediocre. No one looked awful, but no one looked spectacular. It's now a fact that the film industry also outsources to foreign countries. Daniel Day Lewis and Javier Bardem sure do clean up well (I would have rather seen George and Casey get it).  Tilda Swinton was fabulous in Michael Clayton, but she reminded me of David Bowie last night.  Even though I was disappointed that Julie Christie didn't win, I can't wait to see Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose.  She sure was a breath of fresh air after most of the stars we see cruising the streets of Hollywood these days.

There were very few familiar faces, and it is my imagination, or is there a shortage of hairdressers in Hollywood?  It looked like everyone used the same stylist. Luckily, the court jester, Jack Nickelson was sitting front and center. Maybe if there were more mainstream-appealing movies it would make it more uplifting.  In the future, they should consider having a fashion show with all the nominees and top stars, then announce the winners in the same format they used for the Golden Globes this year. Three hours of filler to get fifteen minutes of information.  Most people watch for the gowns and to see who has had the best face lift, so make it a three hour long red carpet/fashion show, followed by a one hour awards presentation.

I did see quite a few movies this year, including all five of the nominees for best picture, only because I know someone who gets them through the Academy, from studios pimping their movies for the Awards. You can ignore the "for consideration only," if it's free and you can watch it on HDTV. 

My top ten favorite movies in the following order:

1. Atonement

2. Juno

3. Michael Clayton

4.The Waitress

5. Once

5.Away from her

6. The Bell Jar and the Butterfly

7. Gone Baby Gone

8. Hairspray

9. Sicko

10. No Country for Old Men (hated the violence and ending) appreciated the acting.

Movies I absolutely hated:  Charlie Wilson's War, The Savages, Knocked Up, Because I Said So, Sweeney Todd, Dan in Real Life, The Bucket List (didn't really hate it, just thought it was such a cliché.), and There Will Be Blood.

Movies I missed but will catch later:  Into the Wild and La Vie de Rose.

I hope most of the actresses who were on the red carpet were able to eat a sandwich at the post parties. Hopefully next year the movies won't be so dark.  As Jon Stewart said, "judging by the movies, we as a country need a big hug." We also need better actors.

Illustration Friday - Multiple

It is the multiple ethnic groups, races and religions that make the culture of Los Angeles so diverse. I am reminded of it every day, everywhere I look. It is what makes this a unique place to live, work and play. Check out Illustration Friday to see some really talented artists.

Addicted to the Internet

It was so exciting catching the eclipse tonight. It was clear for most of the time, but some big ass clouds came by and it was gone.  You know it's a clear night in Southern California when you can actually see some stars in the sky, but that only happened because it rained all day and washed away all of the bad air. If you missed it, you have to wait till 2010, which hopefully will be into the second year of the Obama presidency.

I happened to catch the Today show this morning, mainly because I wanted to see the segment on 52 Nights Unplugged, featuring one of my favorite bloggers, Electrolicious. She is spending one night a week free from technology and of course, blogging about it. Like Ariel, I have taken a serious look at my life and admit that I too, have an addition to the Internet. I spend too much worthless time surfing the net and it is starting to have a negative impact on my life. I address everyone by their screen name and if you don't have an email account, we couldn't possibly be friends. Google is the most used verb in my vocabulary. I love corresponding by email rather than talking on the phone and what better satisfaction than looking up old friends and enemies on Google, and in some cases, seeing how well they are aging, or not.

I couldn't live without the Internet as it has added so much to my life. I get jobs, hook up with long lost friends, have access to newspapers all over the world, have the luxury of a news fest, accessible 24 hours a day, but most of all I get inspired on so many levels by all the fabulous, talented people out there.  I have taken surfing the Internet to a whole new level. I call it grazing the Net. I can get lost for hours on a cyber scavenger hunt, searching for something, and ending up reading blogs, movie and book reviews then landing on TMZ for my daily show biz fix. For some reason it is comforting to hear the honesty that people put out there in their blogs, and it's a sad state when you care more about someone you have never met, than you do some of your everyday friends. I graze a little bit here, get sent to another site, graze there and so on.  Pretty soon my time has been eaten up by things that were not very productive. It is too easy to be entertained in cyberspace.

I could never give up the Internet for any length of time, but I am going to try to spend less time than  usual. There are so many things I need to do, so many books I want to read, not to mention the time I could put to better use. The world has become too big and the choices too many. I am wasting time doing things that have no impact in propelling me towards my goal. Foxfire has become my comfort zone, my best friend and my social life. I think it's time for an intervention. I'm serious.

High Tech Guitar Lessons

I think everybody has a friend or two that you know is talented beyond their imagination but never seem to get the recognition they deserve. I have known Steve for so many years and have watched him grow into a world-class guitarist. He is a humble, quiet guy who suddenly comes alive when he plays the guitar. He doesn't just play the guitar -  he writes books, does concert tours, records CD's and is a professor in the jazz department at the University of Southern California. But even with that resume, he is still a struggling artist.

Because he is one of the nicest guys I know, and would never become an asshole even when he is a millionaire, I am so happy he is getting the recognition he deserves, along with a fabulous web site venture. Even if you're not into guitars, this site is worth checking out for the technology alone.  If you or someone you know wants to develop "killer chops", this site is for you!

The site is Guitarschool.net, which offers 3D interactive guitar lessons, using the cutting-edge technology you see in video games. It has been two years in the making, but it was worth it.  I am so proud of you Steve, and I know this will be a big success and you will always be, good old Steve. As Steve has told me so many times, "you can either live in fear, or faith."

Does this Makeup Make My Ass Look Smaller?

I am a makeup junkie from way back. When I was a young girl, I watched my aunt apply her Estee Lauder makeup and realized how much better she looked with a little help from her friends - lipstick, foundation and blush. I couldn't wait till I was old enough to trade in my finger paints for makeup and I swear I was the first of my peers to do so. The weirdest thing is that I never wore lipstick, because I couldn't stand the taste of it on my lips, but I went crazy with foundation, blush and mascara.  After becoming a mother, I realized it was time to start wearing lipstick, because it was the quickest thing I could do to make me look less like a corpse. I've always thought it was it was a shame I wasn't into the Goth culture, because with my coloring, or lack of it,  I would have been a natural.

My philosophy is that you can never be too rich, too thin or have too much makeup, so when a friend suggested we go to the Bare Escentuals store, I was thrilled.  I had been wanting to try it because the buzz was pretty encouraging and with my marketing background, I am all into positive buzz. I ended up getting the starter kit because it is a good deal, and they had me at the brushes.  I swear this makeup is a miracle and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. The artist in me looks at my pale, colorless face as a blank canvas and now that I have all these brushes and they are an essential part of the application, I feel authentically artistic. The powder is light and airy, goes on so smoothly and looks so natural, that you hardly feel you are wearing makeup. It is a hundred times better than foundation and lasts twice as long. There is even a DVD to show you exactly how to apply it, for those who are makeup challenged.  I would recommend this product to everyone, even a mature woman like me.  I swear it makes me look ten years younger and if that isn't enough to make everyone run out and buy it, it's so remarkable, it actually does make your ass look smaller.

A Day Away

Some days when I feel I am drowning in a murky river of mediocrity, when my comfort zone feels like a grave, I need to get away from all that is familiar.  Since I can't afford to go to some exotic place at this time, I hop in the car and drive to a different frame-of-mind zone.  The quintessential college town of Claremont is always high on my list of places to recharge my mental energy. It takes me back to a time when life was less complicated, crowded and dominated by shopping malls.

It is located half way between the ocean and the snow capped mountains, but it could be a small college town in the mid-west. The people are friendlier and the students seem healthier, both physically and mentally, than the mall rats that frequent so much of the landscape in Southern California.

The whole atmosphere helps me to set aside feelings of dissatisfaction and replace them with happiness. Of course, the clear blue skies and the snow capped mountains in the distance, could raise anyone's spirits.

The sales people in the little mom-and-pop shops and restaurants are  relaxed and love to engage you in conversation. Where else could you walk into a bead shop, have a half-hour conversation with the owner, who happens to be a retired hippie and a graduate of Yale, and have him tell you all about his new career of producing glass-blown beads? With a passion.

I have a very dear friend who lives nearby and we ended up having dinner and were able to solve some of the great mysteries of our lives, in two hours time. Nothing warms the soul as much as a friend who is willing to be there for you even as her world is crashing around her.

For me, it was a much needed day of reprieve from fighting past battles in my mind and enjoying the beauty and the peace in the present moment.  When things get to be too stressful, I highly recommend taking your mind on a short change of environment, and indulging in the beauty of your surroundings. As Marianne Williamson says, " Neurosing about the past and neurosing about the future, causes you to miss your life.  Amen.

On the Outside Looking In

One of the things I enjoy immensely is reading other people's blogs.  I am starting to feel a closeness to people I have never met, because of their willingness to spill their guts out, on a daily basis, to me and the whole world.  I was thrilled to find out that a few are newly pregnant; one happy, one in shock. I have so much compassion for the ones who have cancer and share their strength, hope and fear. I want to give them a virtual hug and tell them it will be all right.  I am delighted that more than a few have chosen to share their martial problems, insecurities, and the frustrations that accompany motherhood.

I feel humbled and small when I see all the gifted people who share their art, photography, crafts and recipes. The brilliant writers blow my mind and it makes me wish I had taken more writing courses so I would not feel deeply inferior. 

The underlying current I find in all the blogs I love, is the honesty that people are willing to expose.  Lately, I have considered giving up blogging because I feel I am on the outside looking in. I see friendships being formed, and it feels like everyone is in a club that I have not been asked to join. Like a clique in high school that includes only the coolest people. Most of the blogs I enjoy are written by mothers, and I am so envious that they have this opportunity to document the trials and tribulations of motherhood. 

My favorite all time blog is Post Secret. If you're not familiar with it, please check it out.  The simple concept of the blog is that completely anonymous people mail in a decorated postcard that portrays a secret they had never previously revealed. Some of them are brutally honest, and no subject is taboo.  It is remarkable to see the suspension of inhibition when you can hide behind anonymity. There have been so many times I have wanted to send in a card, but just couldn't.  Just like the many things I want to share on my blog, but can't.  It is so hard for me to be vulnerable. I am so afraid of rejection, criticism and exposing my flaws. 

Lately I have been going through some deep depression and I know that I have to start letting my feelings out, or I am going to be in big trouble. One place I can begin is here on my blog. I am going to try to be a mini-post secret blog and start telling it like it really is.  They say the truth will set you free.

Happy Valentine's Day

Life Goes On

I recently designed an invitation for a friend of mine who is throwing a baby shower for her niece-to-be. This is the theme. The invitations turned out so cute. I love babies!

Good-by to a Friend

A very close friend of mine died suddenly  last week and his funeral was on Saturday. I didn't want to attend the service since I was depressed enough as it was, but I knew I had to go, if for no other reason than to be around many mutual friends who were equally hurting.  It was a beautiful sunny day as I walked to the church by myself, late as usual. I felt a sadness, a loss that I wouldn't be getting over easily, and wanted to keep walking instead of going into the church.  This also happened to be my parish, and the memories started surfacing of some of the heart wrenching funerals I have attended here in the past.

Once I opened the door, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.  The Priest was delivering the sermon, and since he was a close friend of the deceased, it was personal and touching.  My friend was a remarkable human being and the 500 people whose lives he had touched were sitting in the pews. You could feel the collective love and respect and I realized how powerful it is to leave the world with this legacy.  When I got home a few hours later, it hit me that someone like him comes along once in a lifetime and I should appreciate the lessons he taught me.  It's not about what you have in life, how successful you are, but what really matters is how you have made others feel.  When you have cared about people as deeply as he did, you leave a little piece of your heart to them and that never dies. Everything leaves, love remains.   I will miss you Vince and your love for Notre Dame.  Football season will never be the same without you.

Illustration Friday - Choose

This week's topic for Illustration Friday is Choose.  Since I have been dealing with weddings lately, it brings up the question why some brides "choose" not so flattering bridesmaids dresses for their friends?  I've actually worn a few of these in my day.  Kind of makes you want to see the movie, 27 Dresses.

The Times They Are A-Changing

As a woman who grew up knowing that I was a disappointment to my father because I was born with a vagina instead of a penis, I have always felt limitations. My dad loved me no matter what gender I was, but I think it got the best of him when he realized that by having a daughter, he had to pay for both MY college and MY wedding. Not to mention the fact that he got do it again for my sister!

Growing up, they tried to protect teen age girls by limiting us to "women's basketball."  Half of the players called forwards, could only play on the offensive side of the court, and the other half known as guards, were only allowed to play defense on the other half of the court, with a limited amount of dribbles. I suppose the reasoning was that women would get tired too easily if they had to run the whole court. Luckily for us, our Phys Ed teachers always let us play "boys basketball" whenever we asked, which was always.

When I was in college, women were just starting to be admitted to Yale, Harvard, Princeton, Notre Dame and the University of Virginia. Some of us attended women's colleges where we tried to secure the wisdom and knowledge to compete in a man's world, instead of just sharing his bed.  When I was growing up, it was rare to see a woman doctor, dentist or lawyer and for most women preparing dinner every night was as close to accomplishment as they would ever get.   

Who you married became your lifestyle and you supported your man so he could climb the corporate ladder with as few distractions as possible. You were there to buffer him from the annoying outside world, so he could concentrate on his career.  Luckily for me, my mother was an independent woman who had a career as a nurse, and wasn't a martyr by any means. She role-modeled me confidence, independence and self-esteem.  Thank God, because I needed every bit of it, as I trudged the road as a single mother. 

Now a days we have strong women role models such as Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.  I am truely impressed by these women, and I hope that the young girls of today will grow up to aspire to do more than have their own fragrance and/or clothing line. 

Super Tuesday

It's really exciting to be interested in politics again and to have hope for the future. Not to mention candidates who are intelligent, focused, inspiring, articulate, and able to string a literate sentence together.  All in all, It's going to be a long nine months, and the once the mudslinging begins, it will get borderline intolerable. 

Elections are a trying time in California, because we have a myriad of confusing propositions on the ballot, only made more annoying by the obnoxious commercials that hit the airwaves at unrelenting speed.  Watching them is like Chinese water torture.  The ONE proposition I really want to vote for is one that outlaws propositions.

Hopefully the interest in the election will mitigate the interest in Britney Spears. How anyone can think that it is entertaining to see the poor girl, mentally ill in a padded room, is beyond me.  I hope they take pity on her and leave her alone. Wow, there is a whole world outside of LA and Britney isn't the center of it.  What a concept.

February 2, 2008

This is the reason why people in Southern California put up with the traffic, absurb cost of living, crime, smog and fear of earthquakes.  An incredible Saturday afternoon in February in Santa Monica. I don't think my daughter in Chicago wants to see this.

Illustration Friday - Blanket

My entry for Illustration Friday - Blanket.