My Mom has been dead thirty four years, and today I miss her more than ever. I am going through a devastating emotional time, and I need her arms around me to tell me that I matter and deserve so much better. They say that God never gives you more than you can handle, but right now the pain that I am being dealt is so debilitating, I am afraid that I won't be strong enough to outlast the hurt.
I just don't understand how people can be so cruel. How they take a cry for help as an attack and ignore a broken heart.
I never thought that after battling cancer, I would have to battle keeping my sanity and my will to live. That one person could turn my life upside down and take away the joy I have waited my whole life for. Being depressed is one thing, a pill can diminish it, but a deliberate hurt inflicted by someone you think the world of, is perpetual sadness.
But being a survivor, I get up, move on and take advantage of the many angels that were put in my life for a purpose. They teach me about love, compassion and convince me that I am the good person I think I am.
So today is a bittersweet day for me as always, and I allow myself the privilege of crying.
for the mother who left me when I needed her the most, but left behind a life time of love.
for being a burden on my children when I got sick, but knowing I will never allow that to happen again.
for the pain I suffer for not being allowed to love the person who means so much to me.
for the fact that Erin trusts me and loves me unconditionally. She means the world to me and knows it.
for being ignored and not being able to do anything about it.
for the disappointment that eats away at me every day and hinders my recovery.
Then there are the tears of joy:
for a great place to live, in a city that I love, surrounded with people who make life worth while.
for a third daughter, who has added more joy to my life than any drug could accomplish.
for all the young children I love, who keep me busy and make me feel needed.
for the people who see the good in me and don't judge me.
for my health which makes me appreciate every day to the fullest, because someday they will run out.
for the fact that I may someday be reunited with my mom and dad and I will know peace.