Last Thursday I was in Santa Monica again and decided to go the park that runs along the ocean to watch the sun set and gather my thoughts for the day. It was buzzing with people walking their dogs, jogging, doing yoga and just sitting there taking in the beauty of the ocean. The weather was unusually hot for the beach and the evening breeze was non-existent. The ocean has such a calming effect on me, all I could do was relax and soak in the surroundings.
This particular evening brought back many memories as it was the exact spot I used to come to many years ago when I was newly married and lived a few blocks away. I used to sit here and contemplate where my life was going and if I was ever going to be a mother. I was heavily involved in my career and I adored my job and the people I worked with. I have gone through many changes since then but I am proud to say that I was able to be a mother and have a career simultaneously. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Now that all that is behind me, I have to figure out once 
again where my life is heading. I am overwhelmed right now with the choices I have to make, and the things I long to do, so I end up running in circles and accomplishing nothing. I equate myself to the hamster we used to have that spent hours running on the wheel in his cage, going nowhere fast. I often wondered if he was smart enough to realize how frustrating his life really was. I seem to be pre-occupied with so many of the small things in my life and never get to the important, life changing ones.
I know what I have to do to move away from the things that drain me and move towards the things that empower and fulfill me, but knowing and taking action are two different things. I must let go of the perception that I have to do everything perfect, or it will destroy me. I must not let my mind go to that cold, dark, damp place that feels like home. But most of all, I must spend time, quietly and alone, meditating as I understand it, to get to the place I need to be.
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