My life has been unpleasantly impacted by another woman and I am so tired of having her be a part of try to control the major events in mine and my daughter's lives. My children have a stepmother, and as much as I'd like to say we are one happily blended family, I cannot tell a lie. I know everyone tends to be sympathetic towards the poor step-mother and her thankless job of helping to raise someone else's kids, but it can be brutal for the children if the woman is child-adverse. It is difficult to have someone they would probably not want to have lunch with, be a permanent fixture in their lives.
Granted, some step-mothers are great and have a wonderful relationship with the children, but it has never been that way with us. From the beginning she came on like Attila-the-Hun, getting involved with the divorce and trying to take control of all things financial. Even before they were married, she was the one who signed and sent the child support check, always late. By marrying my ex-husband, she gave up all rights to have children of her own, and we have all suffered because of it. Her motherly instinct was a black belt in discipline. To this day, my daughters and I are uncomfortable around her. She is definitely not someone I would want to party with.
I know it is difficult dealing with children that are walking around with 1/2 of my face and lots of my personality. I'm sure I drove her crazy by constantly asking for more money to supplement the two jobs I already held because most of my child support went to paying half of the private school tuition. The fact that my ex-husband could not give me an extra penny without her approval, made for one long dry spell of deprivation. I could go the rest of my life without hearing "that's what child support is for".
My ex-husband and I were friends when we parted, because we realized that we could no longer live together without my dying of boredom or him dying of high blood pressure. After all how can you expect a marriage to last when all you have in common, is the fact that you both like anchovies on your pizza? An artist and a tax attorney do not mix well. It's like wearing pearls with a sweat suit, drinking a dry martini with a maraschino cherry, or putting ketchup on your pancakes. We admitted we made a mistake and were ready to move on. In fact, he and I have gotten along really well throughout the years, making the children our main priority. He just isn't allowed to be nice to me in front of her.
I know it could be much worse, and I have mostly left the years of her bullying behind me. When I do have to be around her, I am a model of civility. I just hate the fact that I raised my kids with so much interference by someone who had nothing better to do than try to undermine me. My advice to all my friends who are stepmothers, is just try to be their friend and nothing else. You can never have too many friends, but you can only have one mother. They are children and you have to earn their love and respect. You are the adult. But most of all, leave the majority of the parenting to the bio-parents.
I promise that I did not intentionally have the sprinklers go off at my daughter's engagement party where their stepmother was sitting. After all, my daughter's future father-in-law and my good friend and her new husband were at the same table. I would never have intentionally done that. But sometimes we just have to laugh at our mistakes.