On the Outside Looking In

One of the things I enjoy immensely is reading other people's blogs.  I am starting to feel a closeness to people I have never met, because of their willingness to spill their guts out, on a daily basis, to me and the whole world.  I was thrilled to find out that a few are newly pregnant; one happy, one in shock. I have so much compassion for the ones who have cancer and share their strength, hope and fear. I want to give them a virtual hug and tell them it will be all right.  I am delighted that more than a few have chosen to share their martial problems, insecurities, and the frustrations that accompany motherhood.

I feel humbled and small when I see all the gifted people who share their art, photography, crafts and recipes. The brilliant writers blow my mind and it makes me wish I had taken more writing courses so I would not feel deeply inferior. 

The underlying current I find in all the blogs I love, is the honesty that people are willing to expose.  Lately, I have considered giving up blogging because I feel I am on the outside looking in. I see friendships being formed, and it feels like everyone is in a club that I have not been asked to join. Like a clique in high school that includes only the coolest people. Most of the blogs I enjoy are written by mothers, and I am so envious that they have this opportunity to document the trials and tribulations of motherhood. 

My favorite all time blog is Post Secret. If you're not familiar with it, please check it out.  The simple concept of the blog is that completely anonymous people mail in a decorated postcard that portrays a secret they had never previously revealed. Some of them are brutally honest, and no subject is taboo.  It is remarkable to see the suspension of inhibition when you can hide behind anonymity. There have been so many times I have wanted to send in a card, but just couldn't.  Just like the many things I want to share on my blog, but can't.  It is so hard for me to be vulnerable. I am so afraid of rejection, criticism and exposing my flaws. 

Lately I have been going through some deep depression and I know that I have to start letting my feelings out, or I am going to be in big trouble. One place I can begin is here on my blog. I am going to try to be a mini-post secret blog and start telling it like it really is.  They say the truth will set you free.

Comments

[kat]

I hope you start to feel better :)
I think your idea of using your blog as a creative and emotional outlet is a great idea. Be well!

[Jill]

Hug.

[Jennifer]

I know what you mean about feeling like being on the outside. Most of the blogs I read I feel that way. I very rarely comment, but just read silently.

I'm sorry you're going through depression - I know it has helped me a lot to talk through things on my blog - really helps me sort it out and get it off my chest - although I worry sometimes that it sounds like I complain/bitch a lot. But all I'm doing is clearing the noise in my head.

I hope you can start to get your freedom!