Right Brained Gal

Tomorrow, You're Always a Day Away

Tomorrow morning I will wake up as a whole woman for the last time in my life.  The day has come for the bilateral mastectomy that I have been dreading for months. The chemo is finished, all the tests have been taken. By the end of tomorrow, I will be coming to, in a strange hospital bed, my body mutated by a surgeon's knife.  I don't really know what cancer looks like, all I know is that it is the enemy.  An enemy that has declared an all out war on my body, taking my breasts hostage.  A war that I have been fighting with all my strength. I have yet to surrender, but I know that my chances of a complete victory are pretty slim.

I pray my surgeon gets all the cancer and that it hasn't filtrated my body, but I have no control over the outcome. I just have to keep on trusting the same Higher Power that I have been trusting my whole life. The power that let me live when I had bleeding tonsils at five years old. The power that gave me the strength as a single mother to raise my daughters, despite the fact that I still needed someone to finish raising me. The power that told me I had a purpose in life, when I was convinced I was useless. 

When I found out I had cancer, it was as if I had been punched in the stomach by a wrecking ball. One that is permanently embedded.  Knowing that I would have to go through the chemo marathon, holding on for dear life, while it grabbed me by the hair, until every last strand came out. Days full of fear, anger, melancholy, depression, and change. Looking through the dark, for the small gleam of hope that would tell me that it wasn't completely hopeless. The saddest part was knowing I would have to say goodbye to the people I love the most.

This journey has not been all gloom and doom. It has made me appreciate my life, the one that I had taken for granted. It has made me more accepting of myself and realizing that I'm not as bad as I used to think I was.  It has opened up my heart and allowed me to let people in.  People who want to help me, who don't make me feel like I'm a drain on them, which is the last thing in the world I would want.  I want to be strong, but I want to let others help me when I can't do it on my own. For now, no matter what, the sun will come up tomorrow.

Things I Don't Know the Answers To

There are so many questions in life that I don't know the answers. Usually I just google it and end up getting more information that I ever wanted or needed. But there are some things that even google doesn't really care about.

1. What the hell is FarmVille and why do people spend so much time talking about it on Facebook?

2. Why are the Kardashian's so famous and what did they do to make Paris Hilton disappear?

3. Why would Tiger Wood's wife Elin want to stay married to him?

4. Why does ink cost more than the printer you put it in?

5. When did it become unpopular for stars to use stylists before they go on to the red carpet?  On the same note, when did it become popular to try to look as ridiculous as possible, in front of millions of people, at these award shows?  Hideous is the new black.

6. Why is the US the only country that makes a profit off of illness? Why are we the only country in the developed world, other than South Africa, that doesn't provide health care for all of its citizens?

7. Why do people feel sorry for Conan O'brien?  He's laughing all the way to the bank. With the state of the economy, why would anyone care that he is unemployed. Look at the size of his severance package.

8. When is Larry King going to retire?

9. Why are politicians so sleezy?

10. Why is it the more money people have, the more selfish they become? With the exception of Bill and Melinda Gates.

Things That Make Me Happy

 Since life can't be all gloom and doom when you have cancer, I have decided to enjoy life as much as possible by appreciating the little things that make me happy. 

Seeing the ocean every day.

Living in the best city in the world, Santa Monica, California.

Having friends who care.

Having a sister, brother-in-law and nieces who make me laugh and set an example of a family built on love.

My real daughters and the daughters I have adopted.  My adopted grandchildren who have taught me that you don't have to be related to children by blood to love them unconditionally.

Music and listening to it on my IPOD while walking around town.

The food trucks that frequent Santa Monica, especially Buttermilk, that serves red velvet, chocolate chip, mini pancakes.

Doing artwork, and making jewelry.

Yoga classes and the way I feel afterwards.

Santa Monica Public Library and the fact that you can get 15 books and videos at a time.

Cooking and baking for others.

Knowing that I am needed and people actually depend on me to help them.

Food Trucks for Haiti

Last Saturday was the big Food Truck event where 20+ trucks gathered on a street in West Los Angeles to raise money for Haiti.  I wasn't planning on going, but it was a beautiful day and a friend and I were in the area and I just wanted to check it out.  It was so crowded that I knew I would never find a parking space, but miraculously, a space became available right in front of it all. So, I had to jump on the opportunity. Most of the trucks were pretty popular, so the lines were long. Even though my friend wasn't adverse to waiting half an hour, we decided to buy from the ones with no line, mainly because I felt sorry for them.

Story of my life, always doing things I don't really want to do because my compassion gene is greater than any gene in my body. The trucks I really wanted to try, like the Buttermilk, Grilled Cheese and Philly Cheese steak were doing such a good business, while some of the others had no customers at all till I came along.  It was for a worthy cause, and my small purchases didn't make anyone's day, but in a small way, I felt I did my part.  I am a sucker for the underdog, and always will be.   

Illustration Friday - Clumsy

 The topic for this week's Illustration Friday is clumsy.  This is basically how I have been feeling lately, along with forgetfulness and zoning out.  I guess there is some truth to what they call "Chemo Brain."  Come to think of it, I was pretty much like that before the chemo, so I don't know how much blame I can give it. 

Flags Good Enough to Eat

I came across these unique flags made for the promotion of the Sydney International Food Festival last October. This makes me love Australia all the more.

Italy

Switzerland

France

Australia

Greece

Purple Rain

Third day of rain and counting. Time for Southern Californian's to bring out the boots. The real boots that are actually functional, and not the five inch, pure leather with suede trim that would melt, if you so much as got a drop of rain on them. While you are at it, look for the umbrella that is hidden at the bottom of your closet cause you haven't used it since last March.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

I guess today is supposed to the be most depressing day of the year, known as Blue Monday, because most people need a reason to be depressed. It was calculated by weather conditions, debt level and Christmas spending remorse, low motivational levels and feeling of a need to take action. Sounds like every Monday to me. To make matters worse, it rained in Santa Monica, yesterday, today and probably for the rest of the week. Storm watch has officially  begun and the doppler has gone into overtime.
Luckily, I had a great weekend being treated to brunches, lunches, and dinners by friends who really make this trauma in my life, a little easier to take. Bring on the rain, unlike most Californian's, I can handle it.

Illustration Friday - Wilderness

The topic for this week's Illustration Friday is Wilderness.  The closest I ever get to wilderness in the Los Angeles Zoo.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Eat a Pizookie

At this moment, all is still in my life, like the calm before the storm.  I'm referring to the big storm on the horizon, the one that is so omnipotent, my life will never be the same in the aftermath. I feel as if I am five years old again, on the verge of going to kindergarten, full of fear and anxiety. Knowing that I am leaving the innocence of childhood for the seriousness of becoming an adult. Nothing will ever be the same, and the life I so carelessly took for granted, will now blindside me with one obstacle after another.  Cancer has never been easy for anyone, and I'm not foolish enough to think that I will be the exception.  Chemotherapy was not something I enjoyed but it was manageable. It interfered with my life, but it didn't destroy it.  The double mastectomy I face in a few weeks will be a lot worse.  Then I have to deal with finding out if the cancer has spread and how much damage it has it caused. Then radiation and maybe more chemo. For someone who has never been sick and rarely spent time at the doctors, my future sees a lot of down time, spent in waiting rooms.

I have never felt better and since my last chemo in December, I have had more energy and a surprisingly positive attitude.   That makes it all the harder to accept that I have a fatal disease. When I go to my cancer support group and hear everyone complain about the pain they are going through, I want to run away and hide.  I know that I will not always feel this good. So, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I am getting out every chance I can. Enjoying life to the best of my ability.

It would be my dream to go to Hawaii right now and lay on the beach and enjoy the fabulous sunsets. But I know that it's not possible at this time, so I have to settle for the little things in life.  Tonight I went with friends to BJ's Restaurant and after dinner we all shared a Pizookie, which for those of you who have never had the pleasure, is an out of body experience.  It is a giant chocolate chip cookie (we actually had the white chocolate chip with macadamia nuts) served hot out of the oven with a huge scoop of vanilla bean ice cream.  It is so sinful I felt I should have gone to confession after eating it. The only reason I didn't feel too guilty, was the fact that we walked to the restaurant and back for a total of 2.6 miles, hills involved. Right now, it's the little things in life that make me happy.  Things I used to take for granted, have more meaning. 

Be Grateful and Be Compassionate

When you think your life is so terrible and you have been dealt the worst hand, just look around and you will see that there are others who have it so much worse than you. Living in the heart of "earthquake land", I pray for all the mothers who are without their babies, babies who are without their mothers. I  know how helpless you are when the ground starts moving underneath you.  How amazing is it that you can text money to the relief fund in a matter of seconds? Just pray that it gets to the people who need it, sooner than later.

H & M - We Don't Want No Poor People Diluting Our Brands

As the story goes, a college student was walking past an H&M Clothing store and saw 20 bags of destroyed clothing and coats, just waiting to go to the fashion land fill, instead of being donated to some of many homeless people living in NYC.  Why help someone who can't afford food and shelter, let alone a new coat, when it could come back to bite you in the ass? They are more worried about it hitting discount stores and coming back in the form of returns.  If this is the problem can't they stamp them inside with a permanent marker to show they cannot be returned or resold? If they take all the time to have holes punched in them, this would seem less time consuming.

Anyway, after calling H&M and getting no reply, she called the New York Times and they ran with it, pissing off the whole universe in the process. Having worked in a homeless shelter myself, I see nothing wrong with giving someone who would not be able to afford a nice coat, something that may mean the world to them.  Especially the innocent young children who are already being labeled as losers in an unfair society where so much emphasis is put on how you look on the outside. When you buy something at H&M, it's not like it's an exclusive and you won't run into the same outfit at least once a day in New York CIty.

H&M is now doing damage control and has promised to stop destroying new merchandise that it can't sell and will donate it to charity instead. I wonder how many other stores will do the same?

Lentil Vegetable Soup

When I was growing up in Pennsylvania, my next door neighbors were of Italian descent, and because they had a daughter my age, I spent a lot of time at their house.  Mary was the best cook this side of Naples and I made it a habit to stop by  most nights after dinner, just to help them dispose of their left-overs.  I was like one of the family, so it wasn't a big deal and Mary was really happy to oblige, because she knew that my mother wasn't the best cook on the block.  My dear mom was not only English, but also a nurse, so her meals were healthy and boring to say the least.

This is where I acquired my passion for Italian food and my obsession for olives. Her spaghetti sauce definitely did not come from a can, and she put it on everything from pasta to chicken and steak. She actually made cakes from scratch and pizzelles that I still dream about. Sadly, one thing that I would never eat was her lentil soup. My sister loved it and Mary would always send some over when she made it, which seemed like every week. It looked gross to me, like something that belonged in another room in the house, so I wouldn't even try it.  In retrospect, if she had added black olives to it, I would have chowed it down.  A few year ago, I finally tasted lentil soup at a friends house and fell in love with it. (Only I could fall in love with a soup.) Ever since then I have been been making it on a regular basis, because you have to admit that anything this cheap and healthy is a no-brainer.

This is my favorite recipe from the Barefoot Contessa.   I make a few changes to it, including adding some curry powder, using a whole can of chopped tomatoes instead of the tomato paste, and sometimes adding chicken sausage, which makes it not vegetarian. I borrowed a photo from another site.  Since I am not a food stylist, it is not very appetizing when I photograph it.  I promise you this is the best lentil soup ever and if you make it, you will love me for it. It is good with some bread and a salad.

Lentil Vegetable Soup

Ingredients

nocoupons

• 1 pound French green lentils
• 4 cups chopped yellow onions (3 large onions)
• 4 cups chopped leeks, white part only (2 leeks)
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic (3 cloves)
• 1/4 cup good olive oil, plus additional for drizzling on top
• 1 tablespoon kosher salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
• 1 tablespoon minced fresh thyme leaves or 1 teaspoon dried
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 3 cups medium-diced celery (8 stalks)
• 3 cups medium-diced carrots (4 to 6 carrots)
• 3 quarts chicken stock
• 1/4 cup tomato paste (I use a 14 oz  can of chopped tomatoes instead)
  
• 2 tablespoons red wine or red wine vinegar
• Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

In a large bowl, cover the lentils with boiling water and allow to sit for 15 minutes. Drain. In a large stockpot on medium heat, saute the onions, leeks, and garlic with the olive oil, salt, pepper, thyme, and cumin for 20 minutes, until the vegetables are translucent and very tender. Add the celery and carrots and saute for 10 more minutes. Add the chicken stock, tomato paste, and lentils. Cover and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer uncovered for 1 hour, until the lentils are cooked through. Check the seasonings. Add the red wine and serve hot, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with grated Parmesan. Maybe a little sour cream and chives if you prefer.

Illustration Friday - Confined

The Subject for this week's Illustration Friday is confined.  There is no way you can keep him confined, no matter what the weather. Not to make anyone feel bad, but the temperature was 80˙in Southern California today.

Believe it or Not, I Loved Avatar

Who would have thought I would actually like a movie that is 162 minutes long, with a predictable and trite plot, poor acting by actors that are 10 feet tall with blue bodies, all the while having to wear annoyingly uncomfortable 3-D glasses?  I wouldn't say it was the best movie I have ever seen, but I enjoyed every minute of it, mainly because of the visual and technical extravaganza.  I read somewhere that it was Dances with Wolves on acid and I totally agree. The creepy looking characters still haunt me. So many aspects of the movie are so wrong and make no sense. They could have just cut off the oxygen supply to the Earthlings and saved themselves a lot of time and effort.

I was on a visual high from the beginning and I am embarrassed to admit, a bit of a spiritual one too. I got caught up in the high tech, novelty of it all, and like they say, time flies by when you are having fun. All in all, it was a nice place to visit, but I definitely wouldn't want to live there. 

Battle of the Food Trucks - Gourmet Meals on Wheels

Trucks making and selling tacos on the street are not new to Los Angeles. Everyone knows that this is the best place to go for a late night snack so cheap, you can have stomach indigestion for less than what it costs for a package of tums.  For unknown reasons they are lovingly referred to as "roach coaches".

The latest fad to hit Southern California has taken "taco trucks" to a new level. People realize that it's a lot cheaper to rent a truck, get a permit, and travel all over the city selling food, than to start a restaurant. Since Los Angeles is known for its many neighborhoods, most trucks are on Twitter, telling their loyal fans where they will be located that day and night.  This whole thing started with the Kogi BBQ truck, a combination of Korean and Mexican tacos.  This truck is the Grand daddy of them all and the wait is usually two hours to be able to purchase a genuine Korean taco.  It is actually more of a scene than the others, but you do have to wait at most. Here are a few of the many trucks that are frequenting the streets:

1. Kogi BBQ - the one with the most buzz, serving Korean tacos and burritos to start. They have three trucks and are usually found where the biggest happening is at any time in LA.

2. Fressers - serving hot pastrami and deli favorites. This one even sells fudge.

3. Nomnom - my personal favorite, selling "Banh Mi" or Vietnamese sandwiches for really cheap. Usually you have to go to Westminster for the real thing, but this truck can fulfill the craving.

4. Green Truck - this truck is bio-diesel-fueled and solar-powered serving prepared organic fare.

5. Sprinkles Cupcake Truck - same as the famous Sprinkle cupcakes from Beverly Hills.  At four dollars a cupcake, it's not as much a bargain as the other trucks.

6. Barbie's Q - serving pulled pork sandwiches, mac and cheese, grits and baked beans. I had the chicken sandwich and was not impressed.  The mac and cheese looked fabulous though.

7. Border Grill -  from the owners of Border Grill, the "Hot Tamales” Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger serving mostly tacos which are great, but overpriced compared to the other trucks. 

8. Coolhaus - handmade ice cream sandwiches with the best flavors of ice cream ever.

9. Marked5 - Japanese burgers including tofu, deep fried chicken with curry sauce and beef burgers with a fabulous Torakku sauce.

10. Let's Be Frank - not your usual Costco hot dog.  These are grass fed dogs with organic condiments, veggie dogs and free-range turkey dogs. Not for everyone.

11. Fish Lips Sushi Truck - who would think you could buy sushi from a truck?  Actually they do a good job and the sushi is fresh and cheap. Not as good as my favorite Sushi Bar happy hour menu though.

12. Buttermilk Truck - I kid you not, an actual truck serving French toast, pancakes and waffles.  They have biscuit breakfast sandwiches that would put McDonald's to shame. I hear their chicken and waffles are fabulous.

13.  South Philly Experience - Never had them so I can't compare to the the real deal in Philly, but I would love to make the comparison. They do have cheese wiz,  Amoroso rolls and of course they sell those chemical laden Tastykakes.

14. Grilled Cheese Truck - I saved my favorite for last.  If you don't mind standing in line for an hour, this will be the best grilled cheese you ever ate in your life. They have every combination of cheese you could ever imagine, and to top it off, they have a grilled banana, Nutella and marshmallow sandwich.

These trucks are all over Los Angeles, but they seem to be well represented in Santa Monica and Venice. This week, as a new experiment, a vacant car dealership lot was turned into a food truck spot, only to be shut down by the city of Santa Monica.  People are really upset because it's an ideal location and as many as seven or eight trucks could be there at once.  Once again, the people vs. the City of Santa Monica.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Last night I attended a breast cancer support group with an assortment of ten other women, all different ages, backgrounds and various stages of the disease. Some women are having a hard time physically, others not so bad. Some have better attitudes than others, but if they are anything like me, it fluctuates from day to day, hour to hour. There is something reassuring to be able to sit in a room with other women who are going through what you are going through, existing at their most vulnerable and honest selves.  In these surroundings, no one cares how successful you are, how much money you have, or where you live and this is not the norm for Southern California.  All WE care about is that we are not alone.

We are all looking for answers to our many questions, reassurance that we are getting the right care, knowledge that chemo brain is not a permanent disability, but most of all, we are looking for hope.  Someone used the metaphor that we are on a train, and that train is cancer.  I can only surmise that this train makes many stops, consists of all kinds of people, and everyone on it, is experiencing a different trip. All you can do is go along for the ride, try to make it as comfortable as possible, and hopefully you will meet some fellow passengers along the way who will understand and make you feel that you are not alone. That's all I can hope for at this point.

I typed this entry three times and each time Foxfire crashed before I had saved the good parts.  I am too tired to try a fourth time, so this will have to do.  Not liking Foxfire at all lately and should probably switch to Safari. 

Lovely Bones or How I was Suffocated by Symbolism

I read the book Lonely Bones a year ago, and had no desire to see the movie because the book was painful enough to get through.  As most people know, it is a story narrated  by a 14-year-old heaven bound girl who was brutally raped and murdered by a pedophilia serial killer.  Call me weak, but when my daughter and son-in-law wanted to see it at the Arc light theater in Hollywood (super comfortable theater with seats made to take a nap in) my other daughter and I reluctantly joined them. Low and behold, I knew I was in trouble when the usher announced that the movie was two and a half hours long!  The whole book only took that long to read, and that's with crying breaks in between.  

There is nothing entertaining about a fourteen year old girl being brutally murdered, but we all had hopes that visual effects maestro Peter Jackson would make this an unforgettable, spiritual experience. What it turned out to be, was a cross between Law and Order and Fantasia, never sustaining a constant mood. The movie kept vacillating between the murder and the afterlife, never satisfying either side.  Visually it was wonderful, if you don't mind seeing the same scenes over and over, with copious slow motion shots.  The mind was ready to move on, but the camera kept lingering on the crystal beaches, foggy forests, leaves falling from trees, and every heavenly, visual possibility you could imagine.  The visual imagination superseded any element of the human story thread.  Just as soon as you are starting to digest the mystery solving and get a glimpse into what the characters are feeling, you are taken to the bright, glitzy and fluffy afterlife.  You go from morose to fantasy on one big emotional roller coaster, never feeling anything but confused the whole time. The good news is that you don't really feel sad, because you spend most of the time telling yourself how ridiculous it is.

Luckily, we saw this movie two weeks ago, during a limited engagement, and it is not set for release until next week.  I feel obligated to warn as many people as possible to not waste 2 1/2 hours of their life watching one of the most depressing, emotionally manipulative movies of all time.  Ghost Story it's not!!!!

Back to Reality

The first day back to reality after the holidays is always the saddest day of the year for me. I hate putting all the decorations away, seeing all the lights disappear from the landscape, and having that bloated feeling that reminds me why the world is on a collective diet.  It's the letdown after the big event.  It's back to boring, mundane and fat-free.

Time to move along, into the new year.  Everyone fresh with resolutions and inspiration. A chance to change your bad habits, improve your life style, get out of that rut, live within your means and loose that ten/twenty/thirty pounds by exercising every day.  We all want to be better. We just don't know the easy, softer, way to getting there without all the hard work it entails.

For me, the only resolution is to fight for myself.  Stop being a little girl in an older woman's body.  There is no Santa Claus, no White Knight and I am never going to win the lottery.  I have to start doing the things I don't want to do, mainly because I must.  My life depends on it.  The past is something I can never change and the future is something I have no control over. I have to start facing life one day at a time, by helping myself the way I have spent my whole life helping others. 

Happy New Year

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and to remember that it is pronounced twenty ten and not two thousand and ten. Glad someone took charge and settled it before we had something else to debate.  I just hope that "twenty ten" is a hell of a lot better than "twenty nine", but starting off with a double mastectomy is probably not a good sign. Talk about having to re-invent yourself.