When Life Hands You Lemons, Eat a Pizookie

At this moment, all is still in my life, like the calm before the storm. I'm referring to the big storm on the horizon, the one that is so omnipotent, my life will never be the same in the aftermath. I feel as if I am five years old again, on the verge of going to kindergarten, full of fear and anxiety. Knowing that I am leaving the innocence of childhood for the seriousness of becoming an adult. Nothing will ever be the same, and the life I so carelessly took for granted, will now blindside me with one obstacle after another. Cancer has never been easy for anyone, and I'm not foolish enough to think that I will be the exception. Chemotherapy was not something I enjoyed but it was manageable. It interfered with my life, but it didn't destroy it. The double mastectomy I face in a few weeks will be a lot worse. Then I have to deal with finding out if the cancer has spread and how much damage it has it caused. Then radiation and maybe more chemo. For someone who has never been sick and rarely spent time at the doctors, my future sees a lot of down time, spent in waiting rooms.

I have never felt better and since my last chemo in December, I have had more energy and a surprisingly positive attitude. That makes it all the harder to accept that I have a fatal disease. When I go to my cancer support group and hear everyone complain about the pain they are going through, I want to run away and hide. I know that I will not always feel this good. So, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I am getting out every chance I can. Enjoying life to the best of my ability.

It would be my dream to go to Hawaii right now and lay on the beach and enjoy the fabulous sunsets. But I know that it's not possible at this time, so I have to settle for the little things in life. Tonight I went with friends to BJ's Restaurant and after dinner we all shared a Pizookie, which for those of you who have never had the pleasure, is an out of body experience. It is a giant chocolate chip cookie (we actually had the white chocolate chip with macadamia nuts) served hot out of the oven with a huge scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. It is so sinful I felt I should have gone to confession after eating it. The only reason I didn't feel too guilty, was the fact that we walked to the restaurant and back for a total of 2.6 miles, hills involved. Right now, it's the little things in life that make me happy. Things I used to take for granted, have more meaning.